Christmas negativity

I love Christmas.

I am a creature of habit.

Ergo, Christmas at our house follows a well trodden path.

This year started out going the same route, the tree was bought straight after my youngest son’s birthday, the old baubles came out – it was a pretty looking tree.

Presents appeared as did the sherry & advocaat,

But I wasn’t happy.

2016 has been a dire year personally for my husband and I and nothing is set to change this side of the new year, or beyond as it stands.

Stressed out, we are so so tired and no amount of tinsel was going to improve that.

However family and kids have an expectation that the basics over xmas will be covered, so I sort of went into a Christmas auto pilot.

That was until 3 days before the event- taking youngest son shopping to find a present for his dad; we took a detour to A&E via a nasty skid into a tree as we took a tight corner and wrote off my car.

THANKFULLY youngest walked away unscathed – excepting for an unwelcome  new perspective on mortality. Neither of us had been in an accident before – between our tears and hugs on the roadside was the grim realisation it could have been v different.

I fractured my right hand on the airbag.

Christmas as originally planned, that tried and trusted route to excess – abruptly stopped, just like my car.

Nothing was as I imagined. My right hand and arm in plaster – my only joy for a relaxing holiday, some knitting I had planned for myself – scuppered completely

And had I ever imagined that my hand in plaster could set off a panic attack? – Well it does; if it suddenly gets hot inside the cast and I can neither make myself more comfortable or move my fingers – the panic inside me becomes completely disproportionate.

And the rage ? I hadn’t imagined that either- stress, tiredness, incapacity – all set off rage filled tears as I swung from feeling helpless, to angry at everything and every one, to tired and tearful – massive swings of emotion.

Last night i tossed and turned. Hot and strung out, uncomfortable and unhappy.

But one thing has come out of all this – one very good thing.

Change – the tried and tested path? It’s crap. And has to go.

Thoughts of changing my life somehow have been with me for a good while – but it has taken this most favourite of times in my year, to go sour and somehow manage to express all my negative feelings – in one unhappy holiday. To make me face  up to the need to start putting thoughts in to action.

And this blog is going to chart the progress

I have a soul to search out.

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